Let me start by saying, everyone has the right to wear any bathing suit they wish…in the privacy of their own backyard. But when we as humanity are thrust together in large groups, there must be some decorum in wardrobing ourselves. In my last trip to Kalahari water park (a large indoor bathroom containing slides, wave pools, and hardy antibiotic-resistant strains of skin and mucus membrane infection), my wife and I were party to witnessing several types of swimsuits that now need to be outlawed. Not just socially, but by legal statute.
1. The Small-Bikini -Big-Girl paradox: This is in no way anti-big girl. This is more defending the onlooker from trying to fend off body mass being thrust upon them. When a larger gal has 3 or 4 flesh shelves between bosom and bikini line, she becomes less a swimmer and more of an organic bureau. Sure, I understand the appeal of having these body pockets to carry around locker keys, butter pats, or a small animal carrier, but why not explore throwing on a nice fitting one-piece and spring for the built-in knapsack option. Don’t get me wrong, the body is a beautiful thing, I just should not have to push chunks of it off my children as they follow you up the zip-coaster.
2. German Thong Man: How does gift-wrapping your man-berries qualify as acceptable swim and lounge wear. Where’s the mystery? Might as well just dip yourself in Easter egg dye. I feel like walking up and saying “Hey Werner. First of all, congrats on the circumcision, but would you mind throwing on a towel. My daughter has just charted you for anatomy class.” And what’s with the positioning of the pieces? Why is the shaft always pointing straight up? Looks like he is walking around with a tiny misshapen bowling pin or perhaps a kiwi bird ensnared in latex. And here’s a warning for you Thong man, no bending over in front of us in line. My kids have all been trained on a speedbag and will bippita-bippita-bappita those things up to your adam’s apple if they come within proximity.
3. Surgically-Enhanced Older Woman: In your day, a long, long time ago, I’m sure all those pieces fit together just right and you drew admiring stares as you strutted by. But now the rest of your body is sagging south like a melting candle except for these two perfect salt water orbs clinging to your collarbones like a liferaft. With the nipples perpetually at attention, you look like a Shar Pei wearing two Viking helmets. It time to pull out the PlayDoh and let the real ones rest on your waistband, sweetums.
4. German Natural Woman: Sure, I get it. Shaving’s not a big thing in your culture. But don’t act surprised when you turn around and my 8 year old screams because she’s suddenly eye level with what she thinks is an angry dark-haired clown. I’m not even sure a skirt would help. Sort of like putting a yarmulke over dreadlocks. For the guests comfort, I think that Kalahari staff should handle this for all visiting foreigners. “Welcome Greta, that’s a lovely suit! Now please step into the Hairporium and let us get rid of that Yorkie you’ve got peeking out”
In no way is this list comprehensive or complete. I’m sure I just saw a man scribbling furiously after eyeing me in my rolled-up cutoffs, shower shoes, and water wings…
No comments:
Post a Comment